Fathers Matter
“I want my mommy!” A call for affection. A cry for help. Rarely do we hear “I want my daddy!” when such a need for attention arises. It can’t be helped since, typically, moms do the lion’s share of childcare. Dads are still very much the breadwinner and consigned disciplinarian.
“Wait ‘till your father gets home!” A warning from exasperated moms that could mean only one thing to the kids – behave or else…!!
Well, okay… that was pretty much our family dynamics when my siblings and I were growing up. But the world has changed.
One of the most tangible changes in recent years is the surge in more invested dads, who are more hands on in child rearing while keeping their day jobs to support their families.
This evolving pattern is showing positive results. First, children are given the chance to see their dads in a new perspective. Second, fathers get a chance to become more deeply involved with their children’s lives. Third, the stereotypical mom vs dad line is blurring — sometimes to a point where society-imposed traditional gender roles are re-defined.
DADs For Life is proof that the adage “Daddies mean fun. Mommies mean business.” is slowly fading.
One of the staunch believers of building meaningful relationships between father and child is Bryan Tan. He is a passionate Executive and Family Life Coach, and Chief Advocate for the national Dads for Life movement in Singapore. Happily married to Adriana, and a full-time father to four children, Bryan also serves as the CEO at Centre for Fathering, Dads for Life and Mums for Life in Singapore.
Dads for Life champions father groups in schools and communities. Through its programmes and initiatives, Dads for Life equips 5,000 fathers and 300,000 families every year. Its active fathering campaign has a reach of 5 million annually.
Bryan Tan with his wife and kids
Bryan’s story of his evolution as a dad may as well be the story of most fathers struggling to connect with their kids. He didn’t have a close relationship with his father so when his first child was born he was at a loss.
In November 2015, Bryan chanced on the Breakfast with Dad programme run by Centre for Fathering. Along with a few dads from his workplace, he signed up.
Participating in the programme, Bryan was deeply impacted as he discovered that there were cognitive and emotional areas in which he had little engagement with his eldest son, Michael. That breakfast at Centre For Fathering led to a major turning point in his transformation as a dad.
“I decided that I would dedicate the next 20 or so years of my life to be fully invested in my children’s lives. I wanted to leave a legacy of involved parenting to my children and their children’s children,” according to the evolved and involved dad.
Weekly Sparks connects with Bryan for his insights on fatherhood, and why fathers matter.
A father’s role in his child’s upbringing
Bryan: Instead of playing traditionally patriarchal roles in the household as provider and protector, fathers these days are now doubling up on their roles as their children’s playmates, comforters, cheerleaders, counsellors and coaches. Each role is important as they contribute to the holistic development of their children. More importantly, fathers today are partnering well with their wives to raise their children together.
Mom vs Dad stereotypes
Bryan: In any marriage or family, we naturally play to our strengths. My wife was really good with the kids when they were younger, so she took on more of the child-raising responsibilities then. I would come in to support her when I deemed appropriately, or as she guided me in becoming a more involved father to her children. I would never be able to be the “Dad for life” to my children without her support and encouragement.
I find myself much closer to my children today, and inspired to be the best I could be for my wife and children. I have a clearer appreciation of who I am and also the many roles I play in society, which enables me to prioritise things in my life so I do not neglect family and relationships.
Most inspiring experience in your Dads for Life journey
Bryan: I am inspired by how every father I meet wants to be the best that they could be for their children and even in their marriage, even if they do not seem to show it. However, many struggled in understanding the extent of their influence over their children’s lives, and even the many roles they have to take on at home and in society. What encourages me is how these fathers in the Dads for Life network would come together to support one another on the fathering journey, and hold each other accountable for who they are as sons, men, husbands and fathers.
Advice to fathers struggling to build a relationship with their kids
Get involved early – even during pregnancy. When fathers are involved, they send the clear and emphatic message: "I want to be your father. I am interested in you and we have a relationship that is important to me."
Eat together as a family. An important part of healthy family life is eating together as a family. It gives your children an opportunity to talk about what they are doing and any problems they are facing. It is also a good time for fathers to listen and guide and support their children.
Discipline with love. All children need your positive guidance and discipline. Fathers who discipline in a calm and fair manner show love for their children.
Dads equally important as moms
Bryan: Men and women are uniquely different, yet play complementary roles in raising sons and daughters. As a result, mothers and fathers parent their children differently and are both important in a child’s life.
Dr. David Popenoe, Professor of Sociology at Rutgers University and Co-Director of the National Marriage Project said: “Fathers are far more than just ‘second adults’ in the home. Involved fathers – especially biological fathers – bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring. They provide protection and economic support and male role models. They have a parenting style that is significantly different from that of a mother and that difference is important in healthy child development.” (excerpt from David Popenoe book Life Without Father, New York 1996).
Children with involved fathers do better in nearly every measure of child wellbeing, from cognitive development and educational achievement to self-esteem and ability to socialise and manage stress.
Research shows that when fathers are engaged in children’s education, their children perform better academically and are better able to adapt to their schooling journey emotionally and socially. They are also less likely to drop out and exhibit undesirable behaviour in school.
Persuading other fathers to join Dads for Life
Bryan: In the beginning, it wasn’t always easy to convince fathers that they need to be more involved in their children’s life. We are deeply entrenched in the traditional model of families where fathers are more likely to play the roles of providers and disciplinarians whereas mothers are nurturers and caregivers.
Over the years, Dads for Life has rolled out many national initiatives such as:
Celebrating Fathers, which takes place in June each year, is a month-long series of activities to celebrate the role of fathers and raise awareness of the importance of active fatherhood. The campaign reached over 3.5 million fathers and family members last year.
Back To School With Dad is set on the first day of each school year to encourage fathers to make a commitment to accompany their children to school. Fathers from over 120 schools took part in this campaign for the first time in this academic year.
Eat with your Family Day takes place four times a year on the last Friday of each school term. The initiative encourages organisations to allow employees to leave work early at 5:00 pm to enjoy a meal with their children and families. Each year, over 600 organisations are committed to taking part in Eat With Your Family Day.
We have also set up nearly 140 father groups in the community and schools.
DADs For Life was founded by Jason Wong, who worked as a prison officer for 17 years in Singapore. Surrounded by inmates of various backgrounds, his interaction with law offenders showed him the sad impact of absent and abusive fathers, whether physically or emotionally, on families. Their heartbreaking stories inspired Jason to start DADs For Life in 2009, aiming to strengthen father-child relationships and families in Singapore so that fathers can be aware of the importance of their role and become better role models to their children.
Debbie | ws
Images: DADs For Life | Centre For Fathering | Contact Engagement & Outreach: +65 6252 8428 | Contact: Dads Adventure Hub: +65 6769 1238. Good Read: