I’m not courageous?

I have never regarded myself as a courageous person. I often feel like a little gray mouse, enviously looking at how other people do what I want to do in the most brilliant ways. Until one day, a friend said “You’re so courageous, I wish I could do what you are doing”, and I felt proud and thought “Wow, really? Me?” Suddenly I could see what she saw, and it made me reflect. I have done some things in my life that probably took a lot of courage. Bigger things like moving to foreign countries on the other side of the world for work, starting a new life, by myself. Or splitting up from a relationship that wasn’t right, even if the timing was less ideal. Also, seemingly smaller things like putting myself out there to make new friends, or asking for help. I did those things, but it was scary. So, I didn’t think of myself as courageous.

The truth is, to follow our dreams and dare be who we are and not who we think we are supposed to be – it takes courage.

So, when gathering my thoughts around this topic of courage, it became clear that courage doesn’t mean an absence of fear as you “take on the world”. Courage is when you are taking action in spite of your fears. However big or insignificant the action may seem; they help you live a more authentic life and move in the direction of your dreams. No step is never insignificant – because it is the start of something new.

Unfortunately, the more important something is to us, the closer to our dreams we are, the more fear we will feel. Fear is like a barometer showing if we are moving in the right direction. “I’m scared out of my mind, great, this is the way to go!” Maybe that’s not how we think. It’s probably more like “I know it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to, I’ll wait a bit, let me do nothing about it for a while and just stay here and feel safe…” But deep inside, we know it’s where we need to go. 

Our fears will never disappear, but when they are standing between where we are, and where we want to go, it is definitely worth finding out ways to manage them.

When do we need courage?

When we want to try something new, something we haven’t done before – we need courage. Why? Since it’s something we haven’t done before we don’t know what the outcome will be; BIG uncertainty. And so we will feel fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid. No one wants that, so it’s easier not to do anything, not take the risk, not take that first step.

The beauty with courage is that it allows us to act despite our fears.

Taking the first step is the hardest. When we keep doing unfamiliar things over and over again, we become more experienced and more confident, and we need less and less courage. BUT, it is impossible to have confidence when we start. In order to start, to take the very first step, we need courage.

If we wait until we are confident before trying something new - go for a promotion, change careers, go into a relationship - we can wait forever.

How to get more courage?

Courage is like a muscle, something we grow the more we use it. Unfortunately it doesn’t magically appear by itself - we need to work on it.

Here are some tips on how to grow your courage – and manage your fears.

• Name it.  Become aware of when you are feeling fear, and when it is stopping you, e g “I’m afraid they will say no if I ask for their help”. Just acknowledge it to yourself. When you realise you feel like this, you can judge if it makes sense or not. Often fear doesn’t make sense, and feeling fear is not dangerous (no one will die). It is merely a feeling. By naming what you fear, the fear immediately becomes smaller, more manageable – even disappearing.

• What if? What is the worst thing that can happen if I do this? What is the worst thing that can happen if I don’t do this? When you compare your answer to these two questions, you will probably conclude that a slight moment of discomfort is worth it. The cost of staying where you are, doing nothing, is too high. 

• Be afraid – and do it anyway. “It’s not about not feeling fear, but to act despite fear”. This is my favourite. When you realise that you are afraid, and you realise that you won’t die (worst case scenario), just decide to do it – while being afraid. The moment you do what you fear, the fear will instantly disappear and you’ll feel amazing! Having said that, certain things I gladly decide to continue being afraid of – they are not part of my dreams. 

• Build your courage in areas that don’t matter so much. Start doing new things that only cause you a tiny bit of fear. Since courage is a muscle, by starting to use it, it will grow and you will benefit from it in other areas too. I have taken up golf lessons recently, fear of not being good is there, but it doesn’t matter really – and as a result I am a tiny bit more courageous to try other things too.

• Stronger together. Tell a friend, your husband/boyfriend, or maybe your coach, what you are trying to achieve and what is stopping you. Just by talking with someone else, you will gain a new perspective on how to move forward.

I would have loved to have it all figured out from the start. But that is impossible. A former manager had this saying that stuck with me: “It is better to do something almost right than do nothing absolutely perfect.” All thoughts of action in your head won’t get you closer to your goals. Only real action does. Action is also what grows your courage. [ws] 

“You'll never do a whole lot unless you're brave enough to try.” - Dolly Parton -

Agneta Olsson | guest contributor | ws

*This article was first published on the author’s LinkedIn page on February 2, 2023. Images courtesy of Agneta Olsson

Agneta Olsson is a certified coach, specialising in leadership and  team development, and creating healthy organisational cultures. The global nomad, having worked and lived across multiple geographies including Shanghai and Holland. The Swedish is currently based in Singapore and founder of the Blue Cabinet. She believes no matter where we live in the world, as human beings we have a need to be seen, heard, and valued to do our best work. She is also a founding member of Women of the World (WOW), an all-women group coaching program, run by women coaches to help women play big wherever they are planted. Email: agneta@bluecabinet.co