Elizabeth, My First Influencer

No one goes through life unscathed. We all have our own stories with episodic little dramas — the good, the bad and the ugly — unfold daily just like plots in soap operas. The narratives may be similar, but the finale depends on the consequences of the choices we make.

I’ve chosen to live life on my own terms but with deep regard for my family. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, miscalculated decisions, and even stubbornly forged ahead with plans despite thunderous alarm bells that forbid me from taking another step.  

None of my experiences are unique to me. I’ve heard the same strains from many who generously shared their stories with me. Every piece I’ve written for Weekly Sparks since 2021 aspired to inspire someone to carry on with renewed hope.  

It’s my turn to tell my story. It begins with my mother. Her story is my story. I am who I am because a strong woman raised me. 

Christened Elizabeth after a biblical figure, Mama is not perfect. But she is the extra-strong epoxy that glues us together. On the occasion of her 88th birthday today, I honour my First Influencer. 

Mama Ely is the only person in the world who encouraged me to pursue my dream to be a writer when everyone else in her family was pushing me to be a teacher or a nurse because it would be more financially rewarding. My grandmother and her sister believed I could easily get a job in the USA and marry a white American (go figure!) Writers weren’t paid well, they argued.  

Standing by me is amongst the many blessings I’m grateful for. I’ve learned to be strong, resilient, generous, compassionate, resourceful, self-reliant and independent because of Mama. 

She probably doesn’t know this. Growing up under her watch, Mama was tenacious in teaching me, by example, all about multitasking, time and crisis management, budgeting, housekeeping as well as generosity, compassion, empathy, kindness, hard work, diligence, endurance, familial love and loyalty. 

I have also learned from her flaws, which I promised myself I would not repeat if I could help it. Like her acute self-sacrifice that the idea of self-care and self-love is alien to her. Her trademark overdosing on duty (putting aside her dreams and needs) and over-worrying is remarkable, oftentimes to a fault. To this day she still worries for us, her adult kids. I often tease her that I do not need to worry about anything because she does it for me already. 

Mama is stubborn, both a strength and a weakness. On one hand, she wouldn’t give up easily – if there’s a will there’s a way. On the other hand, being bull-headed often gets in the way of reason to a point that she would insist on doing things her way despite knowing the risks of harming herself. She already sustained two falls that resulted in hip and shoulder bones injuries. 

The most valuable thing Mama taught me is family love and loyalty. Family comes first. Always take care of your own. 

I have spent most of my life taking care of others. I say that without regret or resentment. Some are by choice, the rest are circumstantial. 

I was born to a middle-class family, the second child in a brood of seven (two girls, five boys). When I was young I often thought it would be nice if I had my own cosy bedroom with an ensuite bathroom and not ‘inheriting’ hand-me-down clothes and toys from my older sister. 

Or would it, really?

On reflection, the answer is I wouldn’t be what I am today if I weren’t born to this family. Because of the circumstances, I learned how to cope, to be resilient, to be strong and to persevere to achieve my goals. To survive, I had to deal with whatever came my way with a hefty dose of patience and determination. 

So… I hope you can understand why sometimes I don’t have patience for those who whine about their high-paying jobs that enable them to finance their expensive lifestyle, or those who blame their parents — anyone — for their problems. I have short tolerance for those who constantly waste time finding fault in others, envying their friends’ designer goods, sulking about their relationship with their partners, holding a grudge against an employer who reprimanded them, engaging in gossip to damage others’ reputation. I cannot listen to another soul dissecting the universe screaming, “It’s so unfair!”

News flash: Life is not fair. It never is. It never will be.

My mother moved to California in 1992 and, eventually, became a naturalised US citizen. While it is safe to presume that she is much better off now in her twilight years, I still catch her forlorn look from time to time. 

Mama’s face is eternally etched with worry lines that run even deeper when she furrows her brows. Each line has a story to tell. Her melancholic eyes speak volumes of untold past emotional blows. Oftentimes she keeps to herself, lost in her thoughts. 

I am mortified to admit that I know very little about my mother’s past, especially the life she had before we were born. I looked for clues to reconstruct my mother’s young life — the part I never knew, nor would I truly know. What was it like? What were her dreams? What were her favourite things? What were her happy places?

The eldest among siblings and cousins, Mama did not speak much about her youth. She neither shared  what it was like during World War II nor any detail about herself or her own family. Or maybe she did, except that I was too young to remember. Plenty of stories about her floated around, but none of which came directly from her. 

While it seems that most everybody in her family achieved great success professionally and financially, Mama’s claim to fame is her successful grown-up children. We are her pride and joy. 

She probably doesn’t know her impact on me. I live to tell the tale and show my son, nephews and nieces my battle scars with this message: Life is not fair. How you live it is what matters.

We’re supposed to learn from our mistakes and failures. We’re supposed to experience pain and joy, laughter and sorrow, love and heartbreak. It’s how we could become stronger and wiser. 

I was scarred by and scared of some of the choices I made but, I now know, shaped me into who I am. 

The good and bad days toughened me up. I had heartbreaking relationships before I found my life partner. I lost a few oratorical and writing contests before I won medals. I had to rewrite my copy (sometimes start over) countless times before I took home ‘best in’ trophies. I had to live through my youth lacking in material things for years before I could appreciate the taste of champagne and caviar. I faced death in a near fatal car accident and was given a second chance in  life. I relocated to two foreign lands, got discriminated against because of my nationality and gender before I found the courage to reinvent myself. There’s not enough space here to reminisce the grinding years I toiled to prove that there’s more to my brown petite frame that meets the eye. 

My teenage years felt like I was driving a beat-up car on rocky roads spiked with obstacles and apprehension. When things got pretty bad all I could do was step on the break, get my bearings, take a deep breath and keep steering forward.

Thanks to my First Influencer, I carried the values that kept – and still keep – me grounded. 

Learning. Unlearning.

Here are some learning-and-unlearning gems I’ve kept after years of trial-and-error shaped by committing stupid slip-ups and getting hurt along the way.

●      Life has an expiration date. There’s no forever. There’s only the Here and Now. 

●      Don't audit life. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.  You’ll never know how the day will unfold. 

●      Nothing is cast in stone. It’s never too late to rewrite your story, rearrange your goals, readjust your expectations, restart from where you are. 

●      There’s no GPS to happiness. Find joy in the mundane. Create your own rainbow. No one is overqualified or underqualified to be happy. Feeling good starts and ends with you. 

●      Don’t wait for others to take care of you. Take care of yourself. You light up your life. You drive yourself to your destination. Be your own best friend.

●      Take away the clutter in your life. It will free up a lot of space in your mind and your soul. Throw out the non-essential numbers — this includes age, weight, height and phone directory. 

●      Pause. There’s always a mad rush to something, somewhere. But victory does not always belong to those who finish first. Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for life’s more hasty decisions.

●      When in doubt, don’t. Listen to the inner voice that tells you, “This just doesn’t feel right”.

●      Don’t live in the past for time can’t bring back anything or anyone. Instead, make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present and the future.

●      Walk away from conversations that involve gossip, from people who disrespect you, from situations that break your peace.

●      Your job won't take care of you when you are lonely, sick or dying. Your family will, so stay in touch.

●      Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, or even to a foreign country but not to where guilt is. 

●      An attitude of gratitude makes what you have enough. 

●      Don’t overdose on duty, but don’t abandon your responsibilities. 

●      Don’t blame your parents or someone else for your miseries or misfortune. No one’s perfect, even parents make mistakes. Every time you point your forefinger at them, remember that your thumb is pointing back at you.

●      Every time a crisis or problem hits you, always ask yourself: “In five years, will this matter?” Because if it doesn’t then you can put everything in perspective.

●      Don’t mix bad mood with mean words. Moods can change. Cruel words cannot be rescinded. 

●      There are no elevators to success. You have to take the stairs.  

●      Don’t judge people by the opinion of others. Don’t judge people for the choices they make when you don’t know the options they had to choose from.

●      Don’t let the fear of falling stop you from flying.

Parenting is difficult. Kids don’t come with how-to instructional manuals or navigational GPS or Chatbots.

●      Children learn by example. You are their first teacher, first friend, first frenemy, first nurse, first everything. Home should be a no-judgment zone where they can be safe, vulnerable, comfortable and happy. 

●      Children get only one childhood. Don’t screw it up for them. Do the best you can to make it something they can draw fond memories and lessons from when they grow up. 

●      Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

●      Stay connected emotionally with your kids regardless of their age. Don’t miss every opportunity to tell them “I love you” or “I miss you” or “I’m proud of you”.

We can’t always protect our children. But we can bestow strong Roots to keep them grounded and steady Wings to fly in pursuit of their dreams. 

I wish for my son, nephews and nieces to learn from their parents’ mistakes, take the lesson and move forward. Just like I did.

As for me, I now realise that it’s never too late to have a carefree childhood… but the second one is entirely up to me. 

Taking care of myself doesn’t mean Me First. It simply means Me Too. It’s something I wish Elizabeth, my First Influencer, would learn even in her old age.  

Debbie | ws