The fear of growing old (FOGO) can trigger intense feelings of uncertainty. How do we cope with ageing? Do we confront it? Challenge it? How old is “old”?

If we go by Hollywood’s “sell by date” criterion, 40 is the dreaded number.

Sixty-five-year-old Sharon Stone admitted in recent media interviews how at 40 she was told she was “too old” for many roles. It was in the early 2000s and the star of blockbuster film Basic Instinct had already passed the time’s Hollywood “sell by date” of age 40.

Brutal as it sounds, ageism is real. Thankfully, we normal folks don’t have to subscribe to Hollywood’s standard, although we are very much conscious of biases related to “old” age.

Times are a-changin. Nowadays, experts are pointing to more reasons not to dread turning 50 and above. It is a good time to fully take pleasure in the benefits of Third Age, as psychologists call it, to tick off want-to-do items on our bucket list.

“It is a time when most people neither feel young nor old and they're looking for new meaning in their lives," sociologist Sara-Lawrence-Lightfoot says for the Mirror online.

Third Age (a.k.a. Silver Generation) is a period of achievement and fulfillment. A phase when those 50 and above are free to pursue their own dreams and set new goals. Why? Because we’re done with filial responsibilities, such as providing for our family, sending our kids (or younger siblings) to school, building a home, climbing corporate ladders and so on.

Third Age is also a time when we have to reckon with and/or confront the fears that are swirling in our head.

Gerascophobia 

Also known as the fear of growing older (FOGO), gerascophobia is an unpleasant emotion. It inhabits our head and fills it with scary ideas, whether real or imaginary. Here are some common fears associated with ageing.

Fear of sickness, pain and suffering. Our body and metabolism slow down, making us more vulnerable to diseases – heart, respiratory, dementia etc. Also, seeing others close to us suffer from these ailments triggers, “This could be me….” thoughts.

Fear of becoming undesirable. The physical changes are tangible and they stare back at us in the mirror. Wrinkles, frown and laugh lines, sagging skin, greying and/or thinning hair, being forgetful  are just a few examples of how gerascophobia seeps into our consciousness.

Living in a youth-centric culture doesn’t help. When anti-ageing creams promising wrinkle-free skin, pharmaceuticals selling dietary supplements to improve memory or prevent degeneration of bones and joints, potions to stop thinning hair and critical illness insurance plans start popping up on our social media walls, it’s tantamount to being called out.

Fear of losing independence. We pride ourselves on being able to take care of our family, work staff and ourselves (financially and more). The idea of losing this capability and instead being dependent on someone to look after us is scary. Running out of money, no matter how much we may have put aside, is a common cause of anxiety. No one wants to be a burden on their family, financially or otherwise. 

Fear of irrelevance, loneliness, isolation. For decades we’ve built relationships in places where we matter, where our opinion counts, where colleagues and friends default to us for guidance and advice. The feeling of being irrelevant or unwanted gradually trickles in as the so-called retirement age (usually around 65) sets in. The decline in relationships can lead to feeling irrelevant, lonely and isolated.

Fear of loss. This includes personal losses such as the passing of family and friends; physical losses that affect mobility, stamina and independence; and cognitive decline (mental disorders like dementia). The fears are so real that we slide into an anticipatory grief phase (grieving in advance for something that could happen to us).

Fear of death. The ultimate fear is thinking we would be missing our loved ones’ weddings, birthdays, graduations, holiday events as well as not seeing grandkids growing up.

Change induces fear. It is the “unknowns'  that surface which erode our self-confidence at home, at work and in social settings.

Age Bias

Ageism is prejudice or discrimination against people based on their age. It typically applies to people who are older but can also affect young people. Ageism has a negative impact on physical and mental health, and reports link it with earlier death. (source: WHO)

Ageism comes in many forms. Medical News Today cited some examples of ageism in the workplace include: refusing to hire people over or under a certain age; asking for someone’s age at a job interview when it is not relevant to the work; enacting policies that unfairly privilege one age group over another; viewing older people as out of touch, less productive, or stuck in their ways; viewing younger people as unskilled, irresponsible, or untrustworthy; bullying or harassment.

In personal relationships some examples include: treating family members as though they are invisible, unintelligent, or expendable based on their age; making ageist jokes that imply someone is less valuable or less worthy of respect based on their age; making offensive generalisations about a specific generation, e.g. that Boomers are tech challenged or that millennials are entitled; disregarding someone’s concerns due to their age; taking advantage of someone’s age for personal gain, such as extorting money; using someone’s age as justification to undermine, deceive, or control them.

Oprah Winfrey, who turned 69 in January this year, once said: “We live in a youth-obsessed culture that is constantly trying to tell us that if we are not young, and we’re not glowing, and we’re not hot, that we don’t matter.”

It is up to us to say no to a culture or a distorted view of reality telling us that we don’t matter. I know that only by owning what I have become at this stage will lead to more joyful moments.

It was Oprah who also said: “There are three stages in life. Survival. Success. Significance.”

I’d like to think that I’m now living in significance. There were a few missteps and misdecisions between survival and significance, but nothing I regret. I always take the lesson and move forward.

Of all the Netflix shows that I found resonating narratives on ageing, three standout: Frankie and Grace (Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Sam Waterson, Martin Sheen);  The Kominsky Method (Michael Douglas, Paul Arkin); and The Book Club (Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Mary Steengurgen).

These shows are as authentic as they could get in demonstrating the symphony of emotions and experiences with hard-hitting crescendos and decrescendos that worry Third Agers.

We are not alone. Even celebrities like Sharon Stone, who was mercilessly dumped by Hollywood at 40, are rocking at 65. Baring herself in a green bikini with a selfie on Instagram in May, she reminds us that turning 50 and above is not a prison sentence. If anything, it is liberating.

Debbie | ws

Inspiring People: An Antidote To Ageing | Marjorie Chu: Her Life’s Work | Brushstrokes: New Life In Art | Philip Lawson Johnston | Sharon Stone | Sharon Stone 65 (YouTube)